I went to see Indiana Jones at the weekend. OK, there were some fun things about the film; there were some fatuous things about the film; there were some meh things about the film. But somehow I can’t sit and watch a film featuring a platoon of brutish, insanely violent Russians headed by a rapier-brandishing Evil Woman with a terrible accent without feeling just a little annoyed. And that’s okay! Really, when a multilingual, multiethnic amalgamation of states spanning a sixth of the world’s surface and almost seventy years of history (counting from the establishment of the USSR in 1922) is reduced to badly-drawn cartoon baddie status just so that Harrison Ford could put his hat on for a fourth and (I think) entirely unnecessary time, it is really quite okay to feel a little disconcerted. “It’s just a silly film” doesn’t cut it. By the way, Dr. Jones’ insane violence is deemed to be just fine; presumably because he spectacularly wipes out bad guys? Who knows. But between the violent nature and the constantly desecrating ancient sites, I wonder how he got tenure.

My annoyance, in a few short points (and I shan’t mind if you disagree, I just need to get it out).

No, it’s not just a silly film. It’s a major multinational blockbuster. Unimaginable amounts of people will see it. People in the former Soviet Union will see it. If it’s bad, it matters. Which brings me to my second point.

No, it’s not the Cold War anymore. Okay, the Russians have gone from being evil overlords to being (apparently) glamorous millionaires in the eyes of the world’s press. Which is odd, because I know many Russians and precisely none of them have very much wealth at all. Nor were any of them ever in a position to be evil overlords, despite being born in the Soviet Union and everything. Maybe I move in the wrong circles. But anyway. I know this film is meant to be ironic and nostalgic and lots of other things ending in -ic, but, and I can’t emphasise it enough, this is 2008 and people are going to see it. Not just people on this side of the old Iron Curtain either. So there’s little point in being surprised, or horrified, or amazed or amused when not everyone gets the joke.

Yes, you can do Cold War parody without just making shit up. Seriously, I get that if you’re going to set a film in 1956, the Russians are the standard bad guys. However, USSR + alien remains + psychic warfare = bullshit. (Sorry for the language, but I can’t think of a better way to express it.) The Hunt for Red October is an example of a fine Cold War thriller that is silly in the right way. There’s fun characterisation and a sense that the Soviet Union is a big ol’ complicated messy place like any other. Sure, the plot is not so likely and the submarine manoeuvres are impossible, but it’s not so outright insane that you can’t suspend disbelief for a moment, and there’s actually humour in it too. Ramius is a man, not a representation. (I’m talking about the film rather than the book. I’ll come back to the book one day.) The argument that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is just a fun parody doesn’t really carry much weight with me. Good parody has intelligence.

Yes, the Russian accent is easy, if you’re a good actor. Ideally, the lead Russian character should sound Russian (or Ukrainian, in this case). And if all your supporting actors are actually Russian, one bad accent is going to stand out even further. Unless it’s Sean Connery’s accent. Nobody expects him to sound like anyone else.

I suppose what it comes down to is that for cheesy parody to succeed, it has to be really well done; and it might succeed for some and not for others. This film didn’t succeed for me, although admittedly it would take a hell of a lot to make me overlook the evil-Russian topos in any film. If it succeeded for you, that’s wonderful. But for me, the questionable aspects were big enough, and the redeeming aspects small enough, to make it a less than fun experience. I think it’s time I watched Red October again…